Well, that’s one Christmas gift problem solved. Now for some other essentials …

It’s been a busy few weeks, you see. Got married,  survived the great flood, and now, before I’ve had a chance to gather my thoughts, it’s practically Christmas. So I’ve been making up for lost time and searching frantically for a selection of must-have seasonal items.  I’ve reproduced some of them here. They’re all genuine and available now. You may find this gives you some inspiration  for your own Christmas list.

The dog’s moustache? It’s a chewable toy with face-fungus attached. When your hound grips the toy in his teeth, he finds himself unavoidably wearing a splendid ‘tache.  Choose from the Jimmy Edwards, Salvador Dali or Harold Macmillan models. I’ve picked the Jimmy Edwards for Archie, and I can’t think why he doesn’t seem more pleased.

Now then, when you’re putting out the rubbish, what do you really, really need?  That’s it –  Christmas- pudding-style bin bags. Not only will your giftee be moved to tears with gratitude; just imagine the simple pleasure these beautiful creations will give the binmen as they chuck them into the wagon.

Finding that certain something for the woman in your life is always tricky. But this year, if she’s the analytical type, your problems are solved. What could be more welcome than a pair of Freudian slippers? As a valuable bonus, your loved one can help the Viennese master poke his tongue out as she moves her toes. It’s perhaps this year’s most therapeutic gift idea.

But maybe she’s a bit of a style icon. If she can coax the dog away from his new moustache and tempt him out for a promenade, well, here’s an update on the statement clutch bag. Yes, it’s the string-of-sausages lead. Those in the know in Paris, Milan and New York are seldom seen without a dachsund on a thread of chipolatas. Treat your woman to the gift of fashion-forwardness in the UK High Street.

On the other hand, if you’re a woman looking for a tasteful tribute to your man’s appreciation of the good things in life, here’s the very thing: a yodelling pickled gherkin.  OK, it’s not a real gherkin – don’t be silly – but this elegant artefact has the graceful lines of the genuine article with an inestimable bonus: a built-in recording of one of Switzerland’s leading yodellers performing a moving rendition of that country’s contribution to world musical culture.

In this digital age, classic high-quality stationery has more of a cachet than ever. And for that friend or relative who relishes the sensual mystique of  fountain pen on fine laid paper, there’s no better way to encapsulate the experience than in a Rich Tea biscuit.

This luxurious notebook comes in soft leather covers with the look – and the scent – of  your grandmother’s favourite biscuit. Stationery heaven. Just don’t dip it in your tea.

Perhaps all this signals an upturn in business prospects. After all, anyone who invests in a few thousand yodelling plastic gherkins must know something we don’t.

Maybe this festive merchandise heralds a return to the days of optimistic entrepreneurship in the months ahead. If so, here’s hoping that those forward-looking manufacturers and retailers look in this direction for their advertising and marketing.  It could mean that 2014 is the year we return to excess, decadence and all the stationery we can eat.

The dog’s an expert on the last point. I’d ask his opinion but he’s busy waxing his handlebars just now.