Now I get it. I’m a master of modern marketing. I’m the meister of the zeitgeist. I have The Power.
And I didn’t realise it. I thought I was just unlucky.
You see, right now I’m destroying everything around me. But apparently that makes me a hot property.
It didn’t seem that way at first. Take the laptop. Turned it off, went to bed, got up, turned it on. Nothing. A deceased hard drive, with everything consigned to oblivion. Three hundred quid for a new one, and – aaarghhh – I know I’ll have to ring BT about re-setting the emails.
Take the washing machine. It started hopping about with what sounded like a ton of pebbles clattering around inside. Turns out that a bit of the tumble dryer has broken off. Can’t use the machine for a week, and – gulp – the bill …
Then my Blackberry decided to change its settings. Now I have an accidental close-up of a scuffed shoe as my screensaver. How did that get in my photo library? What’s it doing here, now?
My back-up laptop became a sulky teenager overnight. I popped in a DVD as usual and the machine claimed it had no idea what I was up to. It’s still raising its eyes to the ceiling and suggesting I’m an imbecile.
The TV has re-programmed itself. Now it brings me local London news instead of the usual South East round-up, so I’m missing vital info on prize marrows and carnival queens.
A CD player I use professionally has started jumping during tracks, turning soothing therapy into jerky hip hop.
The diagnosis is clear. It’s me. I’m a genius.
Some time ago, voguish advertising agencies thought it was a good idea to rechristen their main activity. Instead of calling it ‘creativity’ they started referring to ‘disruption’.
H’mm. Claiming a negative is a positive and offering it as a benefit, eh? You might say that sounds a bit silly. They’d say they were transforming the familiar and predictable into the challenging, unexpected and original, using disruption as a tool for change, an agent for growth, a way of imagining new possibilities and visionary … oops, sorry, dozed off for a second, there …
But what I’d say is: “If we’re supposed to be disrupting, rather than creating, better get the expert in.” And that’s me. I should be able to put my new powers to good use in this exciting environment.
Outmoded views on consumer behaviour? Zap! Antiquated ideas about customer response? Pow! Archaic design? Bam! Tired typography? Splat! Creaking copy? er, Zock! Disable your preconceptions. Reset your marketing. Reformat your projections. Send for the man with the aura of chaos.
Now, between you and me, I can’t help thinking there’s an air of over-calculation in advertising’s supposed espousal of anarchy and disorder. The use of the word ‘disruption’ has what Kingsley Amis called a whiff of the lamp about it, as if someone’s stayed up too late working too hard to come up with something provocative.
In contrast, if my recent domestic record’s anything to go by, I could be on to a winner – because I’m the real thing. I’m the genuine maestro of mayhem. I’d celebrate my new status with a coffee but the espresso machine’s just exploded.
So give me a call. Stop being complacent. Let’s break the boundaries and disrupt the apparatus of easy expectation.
But give me an hour or so. I just have to pop down to the launderette.